Things that matter.... or Don't...

Love. Lost. Found.

2011-12-13T19:13:00.004+05:30

This is the season of love. Atleast its the season ofweddings here in india. And a lot of them will be love. Hopefully. Atleast mylargely optimistic heart feels that they should be love. Because nothing getsmy endorphins kicking up a frenzy more than hearing about another love storygetting a rightful beginning. Becauseamidst all that posing for pictures, those moments of love shine through like adiamond discovered. A moment whichelicits those awww comments and a sense of ‘they can see nothing but each otherright now’

In the recent past I have seen people lose and find love alot. I have been amongst them too. I hope for the ones searching, they gettheir shiny crazy diamond dazzle moment soon. And my own zeal for making suremy love isn’t lost in all this becomes stronger. Because I feel that I am thatbeacon of hope. Just like other couples in love are for me. A symbol of, theymade it. So can we. It makes me feel that I need to do this, no matter whatbecause someone’s love depends on mine.

It feels like build up which just brings about strength toothers. I mean, if someone making it makes me feel that I can do it, then mymaking it will make someone hearing my story believe that their love is worthit, its worth the tears. Its worth the wait. Otherwise all is lost. Thiscrusade of love is. This crusade which will balance the yin and yang. Bringabout that equilibrium. An equilibrium of believers and non believers. And I won’tmind ever if the believers upset the balance by swelling in numbers.

When I think about the believers, I keep thinking about thetimes that people switch sides. So when you believe you love, if you don’tbelieve you just don’t. And I have seen this loyalty being switched near merecently. It makes me question which is more difficult, to find or to loselove.

I wish I could culminate this post by saying somethingmoving, something that makes more sense. But it’s just a wisp of a thought. Andmy crusade has just begun. For love. To keep this love glowing and to make surethat this love gives hope to others. Because this is that one right which is abigger fundamental right than any other. The right to choose who to love. You may choose wrong but I will fight till mylast breath to make that choice. Of love.

it is unhealthy to be too healthy!

2011-10-03T13:41:00.000+05:30

This promises to be a lighter look at this world that I am plunging myself into, atleast I hope so... it is also a rant. A family which eats (healthy) together, stays (healthy) together and talks (healthy) together. And I understand that all of us need to be careful about what we eat, what we weigh yada yada. But seriously how can that be the main thing that people talk about when I am around.

Fine, I want to look nice on the day I get married. But I want to feel nice about the process too and not as extremely stressed as I do. Because all anyone talks to me is about weight, how to reduce it, how did they themselves reduce it, how did someone else reduce it... how someone cannot reduce it because they don’t have the willpower, how I can’t reduce it coz I am doing something wrong, how I can reduce it if I leave this that and another. Basically all this ‘reduces’ me to feeling obnoxiously unattractive.

How is weight = good looks? Why do I need to be thin to look good next to the man I love and who loves me. how can you be so right about how to lose weight and me so wrong. Seriously I’ve been overweight all my life and I know what looks good on me and what doesn’t. I am not so stupid. I don’t wear clothes that make me look bad ever. You may be brand conscious but hello, I am extremely fashion conscious. So I know when I say that I want something because I understand it will look great on me. Every outfit in my wardrobe is stuff that girls half my size can’t pull off... because I have what they lack. And no amount of weight loss will give them that. The Right Attitude!!

And no, weight doesn’t go in a day, in a week or a month. Who would know this better than someone who has been trying to lose ‘it’ since the days of yonder. I mean I lost my mind, my virginity, my tears everything, but this weight is yet to go. I know I will, when I decide. But please let me do it my way. because even if I am not as waif like as you would like me to be, I still pack a personality that can crush all those perfect manicured, pedicured bleach blond babes.

All this makes me feel that the being healthy shouldn’t be an albatross around your neck. It needs to be the funky pair of pajamas that you wear at night. You just slip into them without discussion, without thinking and without wondering what the world thinks of you. I agree with my dietician on this she says and I try and make this the mantra of my life ‘if a diet or a lifestyle choice is not as normal or background in nature to you as breathing, then it’s not right for you’

It really is fine if I end up weighing 5 kgs more than I should. I would rather be happy about how I am than worried about how thin everyone else is. So yes I am sorry but being too healthy is unhealthy. Because if it makes me feel unattractive or not good enough, I consider it unhealthy for my state of mind.

An obituary of a friendship

2011-09-19T21:42:00.000+05:30

It was inevitable. I probably should have seen it coming. But then this being another kind of a relationship that I shared with another person I couldn’t see it till it happened. I wish this was that friendship that would have lasted me a lifetime because you could be the person I shared everything in my life with. The person who I would have gone and cried to when I would fight with someone I loved a lot, the person who would give a perspective on life when I really needed one...

But it was not to be. Because I believe I gave too much of me in this one sided supposed friendship. Because I thought you could be my best friend, but you didn’t. I tried thumping the table harder in an attempt to fake a clap of two palms. I know I am probably not as cool, as pretty or as perfect as the people you generally like hanging out with. I am not even that smart. And I can understand why you would get bored with a friend who demands so much emotionally.

You were the first person I wanted to tell everything to when it happened, and I did till this ended, and now I don’t have anyone to share those moments with. Those silly jokes, those laughs, those moments all come and go and I wish I could share them with you. But it’s ok, with time I will find a new friend and hold him or her against your parameters and make sure I don’t make the same mistake. That I never give myself up to another friend, so that I won’t be hurt.

You took a part of my trust with you. You made sure that I view the most innocent thing in the world, friendship with suspicion and I don’t like you for that. You told me that friendship is need based and not because we connect. I don’t like that either. No I don’t love you. It may seem like that but I don’t. Because you are blind to faults when you are in love. I can see your faults, and I thought you could see mine. That’s what made us friends. But it’s all in the past tense now and if our friendship had a Wikipedia entry, it would have had all tenses changed to the past.

I need to treat people with a certain wariness that you taught me. Not because you wanted to teach me but because you couldn’t stop being wary of me. You pushed me away whenever you thought I know too much about you. You pushed me away when you were upset with the world. You pushed me away because I feel I could see why you pushed me away. And I kept my distance without realising that you never wanted to bridge the distance. I was the Lowest Common Denominator. The number that would be struck off first. I am sure someone reading this would know it’s about you. but they wouldn’t know that it’s really you. And they would confuse this with a love letter. A jilted outpour, without knowing me.

I understand people change and evolve. I am sure you did. It just that it hurts so bloody much that I have tears writing this. Because this is buried but you and I are alive. I won’t be here in front of you to remind you of this burden for long but till then it’s very difficult to carry the weight of a dead friendship when we are alive to see it lying dead between us.

progression of silence

2011-08-22T22:21:00.002+05:30

Silence is golden
Silence is peaceful
Silence is the essence
Silence makes you think
Silence is painful
Silence is a lonely night
Silence is rife with unspoken words
Silence is humid with un-shed tears
Silence is heavy with bated breaths
Silence is darkened by sleepless nights
Silence is the drop of blood on its way to join the many others
Silence is when the pupils dilate and everything becomes snowy white
Silence is the end of the wait that will make your insides stop screaming for help
Silence is when I truly won't know its silent around me.

Bared

2011-05-20T10:52:00.000+05:30

You Hold my heartbeat... Sync yourself with its rhythm...

My breath washes over... layers you with its scent...

My skin freshly flushed... the light your soul glows with...

Sweat trickles down my neck... Drink in that nectar...

A gasp escapes, I gulp... bury the sound in the recess of your mind...

Because here, now, I am bare... Bared by you.

sing a song

2011-05-07T14:39:00.004+05:30

this is the first time i am publishing something i have sung. its a cover of corrine bailey rae's song like a star. one of my favorites for its sheer simplicity. its just my voice without any music behind it. :)

corrine bailey rae_like a star_ cover

taakh

2011-03-15T00:06:00.000+05:30

Socha tha apne gamon ko ek taakh me chhupa ke rakh denge...
us taakh ke aage ek sheesha saja denge..
Ki jab us taraf dekhe koi, sirf apna chehra nazar aaye...

socha ki khushiyon ka ek faanoos tayyar kar denge...
Taaki kamre me jab andhera ho jala denge..
Aur khushnuma roshni se ghar bhar jaaye...

Lekin ranjisho aur adhoore khwabon ne kuchh iss tarah ghar mein ghar kiya...
Ki khushiyaan aayi aur chali gayi, aur hum unki aahat tak na pehchaan sake...
Vo humein awaaz deti rahi, hamari goud mein aake baithi...
Aur humne aanchal jhaad diya unko hawa se aayi ret samajh kar...

Isiliye ab ghar me hamare, sirf taakhen hi taakhen hai...
Sheeshe mein kaid ek bekaar si muskurahat hai...
Aur jahan fanoos ki jagah thi... Vaha ek mayoos sa dhaancha hai...
Thodi si roshni ke intezaar me...

the transient self

2011-03-08T02:32:00.003+05:30

I stand and gaze at the horizon... at the clouds melting into the sea

And the need to be one with another has never been so obvious for me

The waves wash off the shore and the sand below my feet slowly erodes

it reminds of so many moments that just slipped by and left a residue behind

I try to write a memory ...deep and as many times as I can... to make it stay

I decorate it with shells... lil pieces of life in the otherwise lifeless sand

But we all forget, shores are transient... always changing... always dissolving

And I wish that my mind could be just that... a shore, transient...

But the memories etched there are more permanent than shells

And simply scrubbing my mind won’t help... neither will anything else

Because time and again I melt, I dissolve, I disappear

Where else but, Into the horizon of my memories...

Being one with the one that will always be mine

My mirage, my hope, my life once, my lifelessness now.

(a result of a friend's status message and my own sleeplessness)

distance... distant...

2010-10-09T22:37:00.002+05:30

I look for you… and then I see you at a distance…
I walk to you… and I see you moving further into the distance…
I search near me and I find no semblance to you except in the distance…
And I realize… you are at a distance… distant…

shoes...

2010-03-24T21:43:00.000+05:30

Step in my shoes...
Just do it once.
Walk in them, strut around
Dance for the eyes that follow
The heels would probably hurt
The height would make you dizzy
Coz you are not used to feeling beautiful
Or maybe because you don't need to feel superior
My shoes make the air taste different
They tell the story of a different weather
They make you push your chest out
Flip your hair and smooth your dress
Walk in someones shoes to know them
Did you, or didn't you want to?

pain...

2010-02-26T01:25:00.003+05:30

It is so deep that it permeates the very center of my being and tears my soul into a thousand pieces and flings them into different directions… and I am torn... Between picking those pieces up and consoling them… should I put myself together again or should I just let each piece be…

Staring into an abyss… I feel like the light at the end of the tunnel is a myth… just like the man with wax wings who wanted to fly to the sun… sunshine which makes others happy, feels blistering on my skin…

at times I can feel my heart stop… just stop… without any preamble… and then as if someone whispers to it, that there is still a long way to go… it starts again… without any premonition this time… but no one notices the slight pause that my life takes at that time... why should they... because their lives are rotating perfectly on their axis’s or so it seems...

Or maybe just like I am blinded and jailed by my own pain, they all are too... and to each other, we look just like yesterday...

seconds of life

2010-02-24T15:16:00.000+05:30

I watch the clock as the seconds tick by
It's a sign of time passing me by
The tick tock sound makes me weak with dull nervousness
And the sound of my heartbeat beats a tattoo
As every tick goes, I know I get closer to you
As every tock goes, I fear I lose sight of you
I oscillate between hope and dread
Dreaming of warm togetherness or lonely nights in my bed
I latch onto your words and the way you breathe
It's my strength, my life, my only retreat
Every step bridges the distance between
To you or your mirage only time will reveal
Yes the same time that sets the day and nights in rotation
And we, just watch it put our destinies in motion
As the seconds go tick tock, tick tock.

main...

2010-01-17T21:18:00.000+05:30

Na gila tumse na shikwa koi
Zakhmon pe apne ab na tere pyaar ka marham koi

Main bhool chuki thi ki hota hai apne liye jeena kaisa
Bin nashe ke jhoomna, zindagi ki ghoont ko peena kaisa

Isiliye aaj maine apne aap se yeh rishta phir se joda hai
Zindagi ki raah mein jaha tum the manzil, vahan se rukh moda hai

to chal padi hoon mai apni raaho pe akele, par tanha nahi
kyonki khule aasmaan ne sajaya hai iraado ka raasta yahin

love...

2009-10-17T21:52:00.000+05:30

Love… its unrelenting, its merciless… it makes you the person you are and sets you free… and then shackles you in chains with its unseen demands… it hurts, it hurts so much that you cannot imagine something so beautiful is capable of squeezing your heart so hard that you cannot breathe.. it tears your insides and pulls you in all directions possible… and you stretch, you bend, you flex… all to accommodate it as best as you can… and still there is this large amount left that needs more room, more flexing, more stretching…

So why do we still want to be in love… because when we wake up every morning and sleep at night… the fact that our first or last thought is about love, rather the person you love envelops you in such a way that every last ounce of pain just escapes your body in a sigh… and so you are ready to do it all over again everyday, every night…

I know I am… :)

strange love

2009-07-01T16:09:00.004+05:30

strange love
even though you hurt me I feel
blessed love
baby I'm your puppet
on a string
making me tumble and swing
trouble's what you bring
strange love

strange how
you control my every little
move now
hanging from your strings
is all I know
starring in your puppet show
never let me go
strange love

all the things
you've said and done
there's no space
for me to run
baby I've lost and you have won
cause' all I really want is

strange love

Dev D, Mumbai and life in general

2009-06-29T18:53:00.003+05:30

some views, some rambling... verbatim from an email i got from Gaurav... it made a lot of sense to me... so sharing it became essential... here it goes... written while watching DEv D accompanied by Whiskey (tut tut... DEvinder Singh Dhillon preffered poison of choice was Smirnoff Vodka.. the likes of which he gulped down like water... )

I am watching Dev D .. There's no way ur dad or anyone from our parents generation would ever come clse to liking it. Its because it is quite realistic to us.. We see or experience some things and can in some way understand the concepts behind the movie. I am sure ppl of our parents generation can't understand a lot in the movie as we do... Its a generation thing... Nor can they understand ppl geting wasted and cheap thrills ... they are at a stage where they have seen and experienced some things and loath a lot of stuff that the film potrays .... While we are young and open to all things new or old... Mostly new .... Come on I don't think our parents wld appreciate the idea of paid sex and prostitution and sleaze, drugs and money... I wonder would our thoughts on these issues too undergo a change if not as much as our parents but maybe somewhere in between... Is it because we want to do this right now we advocate for some things ... But when we get older have a daughter and when she grows up be just as our parents are ... So that we can teach them about right and wrong... Man it sounds hipocritical ... But I am sure our parents must have have just as wild thoughts as us... The problem is I guess that u can't teach anyone with ur experiences ... U need to experience and make mistakes on ur own to learn from them ... Getting back to the movie I agree its nice movie and I liked it .. And I love the way the whole story has been told. B'bay for me was something like this.. I wasn't escaping from stuff or didn't pay for sex or something ... But yeah there was one time when I did drink a lot just to escape from the real boring mundane schedule that life had become..... I look back at it and now see some good memories and a lot of wasted time.... I didn't like b'bay as much because I hated the regionalism that we were subjected to at various occasions there... Also I had self confidence issues when I was in b'bay... I didn't have a clue of why what and who... I couldn't decide things for myself ... Now when I go there its just like any other city I may have lived in ... For example delhi wouldn't mean much to me if u were not there... It wld be just any other city as well where I wld come to do some work and go back... I think its the people that make the difference ... Also people we meet often ... I think we don't appreciate them as much as ppl we don't meet that often ... Maybe fimilarity breeds contempt... I really don't have as many friends in b'bay ... And somehow for me barring a few friends all have drifted ... Just because we don't share common interests any longer .. Just a chat maybe once in an year.. it suddenly dawns on u ... When u realise and start to measure friendships and become more practical about it... There was a time when I would fight with my dad if we had work on sundays coz I just wanted to be wit friends ... Now sometimes my parents question me why I don't socialise as much ... I guess it has to do with the fact that one suddenly realises a lot truths, and priorities ... And the.fact that friends are there on ur convinience and as per theirs ... Quite a materialistic thought ... But I guess after a point of time u begin to think this ways about it... U socialise more with new friends and ppl u r in touch with ... U make plans and then do some stuff ... Just a barter between people for an exchange .. Of oneself so that u can have a change and have some fun as well. . God I started with the movie and kahaan pahunch gaya main.... Roll and ramble ... Anyways a lot of things are easier said than done... It shall take some time to realise how much we change as we age... Till then just dream on and live on....

akhri alvida

2009-04-15T16:40:00.001+05:30

dhadkane khaamosh hain, kuch kehti nahi
yeh aakhari alvida na ho
chaahate aankhon se behti nahi
yeh aakhari alvida na ho
iss dard dil mein, dil mein rehne do
jo khauf hai aankhon se, aankhon se kehne do
dukh ki nadi chup chaap behne do
jo kehna hai tum dheere se keh do
yeh aakhari alvida na ho

dhadkane khaamosh hain, kuch kehti nahi
yeh aakhari alvida na ho

sab yaadein, jo baandhe the bandhan
kaajal, bindiya, haathon mein kangan
mehki rehti thi menhdi
gaata rehta tha saawan
inn yaadon ko sapno mein rehne do
yeh aakhari alvida na ho

aakhari alvida na ho
dhadkane khaamosh hai, kuch kehti nahi
yeh aakhari alvida na ho
chaahate aankhon se behti rahi
yeh aakhari alvida na ho - 2

hmmmm and then....

2008-10-14T23:22:00.003+05:30

so its been sometime... for a lot of things actually... and the days are weighing heavier and heavier on me... like the unsaid words are a tonne each, the unexpressed emotions are like bricks piling on me... i am probably sounding very melancholic but i am just...

its like i have this empty feeling inside me.. something is missing... someone is missing... its just a matter of days i know but i just cant... i don't know why... its like i am being very unreasonable, immature and what not.... but it just feels right to feel empty these days.. i know how important he is... i always did.. i just know i can never be without him... he brings me joy.. he brings me purpose... he brings me sunshine... he brings me alive... always... and if i dont hear his voice for a day even... i know my day is not over... and so my days are just going on and on without a nite in between.. its like the longest 24 hours ive ever seen... its so scary sometimes... because my heart aches so much just to be with him that tears spring to my eyes and i just cant stop them even though there is no reason for them... i havent spend a single nite since he has left witout shedding a few pearls... hahaha... and to think that he will be back on 21st.. i sure am crazy... and to top that i would be seeing him on 24th... strange or just plain love....

now that my psychobabble is over i must tell you how much retail therapy i have indulged in just to get over my permanent PMS situation... heres a list

2 beaded necklace janpath - 150
3 pair earrings janpath - 130
1 jeanie pant janpath - 150
1 dhoti pant (for sis) janpath - 150
1 night t-shirt etam - 700 (with the 150 wala jeanie pant)
1 white tshirt dress max house - 650
1 black vamp tee nun - 800
1 pair of sunglasses janpath - 200 (:D)
Novels and magazine - 1000

i still dont feel better by the way... proof of how much it helped...

just that these things can never make up for his absence... its just to divert my attention... but naaah.. it doesnt work that ways....

hmmm... then... nothing... am gonna wait for 21st and try to sleep properly for atleast one nite by then...

aah June!!!!

2008-06-19T13:46:00.002+05:30

june has already gone but i was so damn tied up in tonnes of things taht just couldnt manage to write about stuff... well lotsa important things happened... me and Gaurav completed two years of being together on 10th june.. it was teh most wonderful feeling in the world... to know that i still love him just like day one...

i also went on a weekend trip to kasauli and its a beautiful place.. totally non- commercial and so very peaceful.... long walks... random conversations, bottles of wine, uno, playin in teh rain... all of the things that made the trip even more fun.... beautful pine forests all around... and i felt like i was living above clouds in the morning....

also read so many books this month which had been on my reading list for i dont know how long... shantaram, unaccustomed earth, the kite runner, a thousand splendid sons, three mistakes of my life, some mills and boons :)... and currently reading two lives by Vikram Seth.. wow it feels wonderful to just read and let my imagination run wild... reading has always been this sort of widening my horizon thing.. when i dont get time to read i feel like my brain dulls out which is so frustrating.. i cant think straight even... and so reading as to be the one of teh most liberating experiences for me.. its my creative mecca if i may say so....

its been a good month overall till now... hope every month of mine is just like this.... i ahve more stuff planned but lets see how much of it i shall be able to do....

oh btw.. i am on a diet as of yesterday and will start Ashtanga Yoga classes in a week... am glad am making an effort towards a better life....

i got some new shoes on...

2008-05-25T20:38:00.004+05:30

heard this amazing song on VH1 and fell in love... its so amazingly nice.. by this guy Paolo Nutini... its called new shoes.. its ben used in the latest Puma advert also....

here are the lyrics....

Woke up cold one Tuesday,
I'm looking tired and feeling quite sick,
I felt like there was something missing in my day to day life,
So I quickly opened the wardrobe,
Pulled out some jeans and a T-Shirt that seemed clean,
Topped it off with a pair of old shoes,
That were ripped around the seams,
And I thought these shoes just don't suit me.

[CHORUS:]
Hey, I put some new shoes on,
And suddenly everything is right,
I said, hey, I put some new shoes on and everybody's smiling,
It's so inviting,
Oh, short on money,
But long on time,
Slowly strolling in the sweet sunshine,
And I'm running late,
And I don't need an excuse,
'cause I'm wearing my brand new shoes.

Woke up late one Thursday,
And I'm seeing stars as I'm rubbing my eyes,
And I felt like there were two days missing,
As I focused on the time,
And I made my way to the kitchen,
But I had to stop from the shock of what I found,
A room full of all off my friends dancing round and round,
And I thought hello new shoes,
Bye bye them blues.

[CHORUS]

Take me wandering through these streets,
Where bright lights and angels meet,
Stone to stone they take me on,
I'm walking to the break of dawn. [x2]

[CHORUS (x2)]

Take me wandering through these streets

isnt it an uplifting number???

that time of the year..

2008-05-19T16:57:00.003+05:30

ok.. so i went through the first performance appraisal in my life and it has taught me so many lessons...

i feel dejected, hurt and pissed at the whole unfair world.. but its also told me to wisen up and take charge.. its told me that the spoken word in the corporate world just amounts to miscommunication and u need to have written proof to shove up ur directors ass if they backtrack... its also told me that nepotism has not and wont ever die and to be able to sometimes do better u need to look better as well... it has told me that i am not alone in this game of chess but i am alone in fighting it out to make it better or worse for me... it has taught me that i can be totally let down but some things in life just wont stop.. u gotta keep going on....

and this has told me that this is the first of the many yet to come.... for better or for worse...
and i shall face them and i shall celebrate or mourn one day... but will bounce back ready to take the world on.....

Amen

hot pink or cherry red....

2008-05-13T21:44:00.002+05:30

ok... so my hot new color till now was cherry red from avon.. it looked so so amazing... so sexy. so very hot... but i had been hearing about this heavenly hot pink for quite some time.... so my blonde at heart sis... :) got it finally to celebrate the end of her ordeal (read exams).. and what a way to celebrate...the color has the niceness of pink mixed with the tanginess of hot summer months.... it gives u a bubble gummy sense but does not make u look any less hot than u want to with a baby pink type color...

now why i am sayin all this is coz i wanna see which one is hotter the pink or the red.... both have the oomph.. the ooh the aah that any self respecting chica would die for... but still... both are shades which were frowned upon for being too tacky and bright.. but see how things have changed....

which brings me to another thing.. are we in terms of fashion going back to trashy.... i mean bright tacky colors, strange contrasts, weird jewellery, funky shoes.. which may not even match ur outfit or even contrast it... i mean blue shoes with a red dress... not that i dont wear all of that.. i do and i love it watever little i have of it... but i am just putting a thought to paper that may just be true.. that TRASH IS IN!!!!

but again... my nails are waiting for the decision.. since i need to paint my juliettes to make them fab fab fab.... aah well its hot pink then.... the red one just has to go this time... time to unleash thy hotness...

hmmm.. aah.. huh.. right!!!

2008-05-11T20:59:00.004+05:30

i just wanna write.. i swear to god i don't know about what and why... but i just do... i have been in the middle of things that i thought did not happen to me or people around me but you know what i've just realised that they do...

i thought we were eons away from making relationship decisions and choosing between 2 and putting up with bad shaadis and all that crap.. but NEWSFLASH we are not.. goodmornin sweetpea.. open your eyes and remove the rose colored glasses u are so fond of wearing all day long...

i have endured nightmares, cried my eyes out, felt repulsed even at the faces that some of my friends have displayed taht have made me aware of all the "qualities" that they possess... and none of the turmoil centers around me.. infact i am just a bystander in all these cases... well not really a bystander but somewhere between a shoulder to cry on and a bystander coz i can listen but cant say much... and so i have to put up with weird almost nonsensical views of other people...

and its not just on a personal front.. even at work there are these mindless idiots who just wouldnt let me be.... they all need a thrashing i tell you... i need my peace.. i need my piece.. i need my work.. i need to get worked up too.. and i need to be LEFT ALONE!!!!

i am rambling and i know it.. but i dont give rats ass.. i am at the stage where if i ahve to take a one year sabatical and go to another place i would without batting an eyelid.. i feel like just vegetating sometimes.. i wanna travel too.. dont know where but i do...

i wanna be able to swim.. to run.. to cycle... i am ashamed taht i dont know how to ride a cycle or swim.. two things taht make me go red in the face all the time.. its a painful reminder of how even though i was in a school which had everything.. i never could enjoy it due to watever reasons.... its a sign of shame for people who know me that i am not into sports.. coz that makes me not very active some believe.... i have cried because of this.... i feel like i am not good enough...i feel unhappy....i hate growing older and being a part of such a judgemental sphere of which i am now not just a part but a participant too....

:'(

cheers to friends who make normal conversations so much fun....

2008-05-01T21:43:00.004+05:30

so i am like bored outta my mind in the office and have nothin to do when Calvin (its the pseudonym i would like to give Mr. S.G) starts talkin bout prospective dates and prospects in life... (its significant since he sits across from me and we were still chatting) but thats not what we are talkin bout here... i just re read this convo and realised how nice it is.. how funny it is... how we can laugh at our own sadnesses and cheer each other up.... aah the joy of being young.... so here goes...

18:00 me: koi nahi

abhi chadne ko aasman aur bhi hai

S: :(

18:01 me: owwwww

S: i am bored..

me: so am i.. with my life in geenral

S: its been two years tht i have been single now..

yawn..

18:02 me: lack of oppurtunity or lack of will

S: a combination of both and the signs are ominous..

18:04 me: dekho jab jab jo jo hona hai.. tab tab vo vo hota hai

S: kya tumme bindu ke bapuji ki aatma ghus gayee hain?

me: nahi

18:05 par yeh b grade hindi filmein pe pali hui ladki ki mental state zaroor hai

(at this point Calvin started singing bindu re bindu from padosan)
i think the song is very apt

the one taht you are singin right now

18:09 hehehehehhehhehhehee

S: damn..
(Calvin changes his status message to "while my guitar gently weeps)
the situation being what it was it just sounded damn funny and a desperate plea...

me: this is funny

S: i lost my only hope in delhi..

me: while ur"guitar" gently weeps

18:10 S: me and my ill timed sense of humour..(by this he meant that the girl he was talkin to.. when she asked him about chicks in her office.. he went ahead and praised some other babe)

me: all is not lost calvin

u just acted like calvin....

he loves susie

but says teh meanest things to her

u just did that

S: yeah..

but calvin is like nine..

he has time on his hand..

18:11 me: good point

but guys always are 9

no amount of puberty can change that

18:12 S: well, there i a diff..

nine year olds dont have pubes

guys are always 15!

me: they dont have pubes

but they sure do act there entire lives like tehy do

they

18:13 S: well..

to the child in all of us!

18:14 me: hahahhahaha

what a convenient way to hide ur boo boo

kuchh bhi gadbad ho.. bolo mera bachpana hai.....

and people generally buy it too

18:16 S: welll.she did finally reply..

to say good bye..

me: see(typical guy behavior.. overreacting)

18:17 there could be a very simple explanation for this.... like

she migt have just gotten busy with work

like we do too

S: yeah..

true..

me: so its really not the worst case scenario

S: wat i need now is a poa

plan of action..

i am thinking..

18:18 me: hmm...

S: the perennial problem of asking her out without sounding desperate...

darn!

i feel like i am nine again!

me: hence proved

see above for reference

S: QED..

18:19 me: see you can just call her generally tomorrow

and tell her that if she has no plans lets have coffee

its very simple you know

its not like you guys are in school when its all awkward and all

18:20 coffee is very harmless

S: arre..last time she was in town and we were supposed to have coffee , i eneded up being at work late..

me: saturday mate

S: and it was kinda weird..

it was a saturday!

me: weekends bane hi hum jaise executives ke liye hai

18:21 S: my job is hampering my love life..

me: else we shall have no life]

listen you dont have to work this saturday

feign illness

make sure you dont have to

say u ahve prostate cancer

oops

sorry

say u think u have

18:22 :D

after this we just went on our trip laffing away to glory and singing cheap hindi songs too... moving outside the office coz Calvin was dyin for a smoke and his hair stood on all ends...

our conversation also ended with our speculating on why we keep talkin bout living in the moment and never do.. we are just so focussed on the future and what to do.... what a turn to the light hearted conversation of girls...

we talked about this and that.. yin and yang.... and so it goes.. conversations i suppose are like that..... i love them.... and i love my friends for making them so nice too....

kuchh lafz meri tareef mein...

2008-04-29T20:00:00.003+05:30

my boss Prashant just proved himself to be an extermely well rounded personality (literally and figuratively) by writing this piece for me... just had to share it here.. :)

I speak all day, and all night
i have a POV, whether wrong or right
i have a world of my own
thats me, thats how i've grown

speak your mind, speak straight
be it foe, friend or mate
no nonsense, i must say
is not at all my preferred way

my bosses have a real tough time
nothing to write here, nothing to rhyme
oh by the way I'm Tanzila Anis
in other words "kya cheez, cut piece"

wake up and smell the coffee...

2008-04-23T11:29:00.002+05:30

for everyone who loves coffee and especially enjoys making it too i think you must must read this
after living and being born here in delhi its quite a shame taht i never knew about this place too....

let there be no light.....

2008-04-22T14:21:00.006+05:30

i recieved this email this morning which has been passed onto everyone i know atleast 5 times in the last 5-6 years...

“Hello everyone!

Came across this mail that put across a few things in perspective, scary but not undeniable

Dear Friends,

A few weeks ago, in a movie theatre, a person felt something poking from her seat.
When she got up to see what it was, she found a needle sticking out of the seat with a note attached saying

"You have just been infected by HIV".

The Disease Control Center (in Paris ) reports many similar
events in many other cities recently. All tested needles were HI V Positive.

The Center also reports that needles have been found in cash dispensers at public banking machines. We ask everyone to use extreme caution when faced with
this kind of situation. All public chairs/seats should be inspected with vigilance and caution before use. A careful visual inspection should be enough. In addition, they ask that each of you pass this message along to all members of your family and your friends of the potential danger.

Recently, one doctor has narrated a somewhat similar instance that hppened to one of his patients at the Priya Cinema in Delhi . A young girl, engaged and about to be married in a couple of months, was pricked while the movie
was going on. The tag with the needle had the message

"Welcome to the World of HIV family".

Though the doctors told her family that it takes about 6
months before the virus grows strong enough to start
damaging the system and a healthy victim could survive about 5-6 years, the girl died in 4 months, perhaps more because of the "Shock thought".
We all have to be careful at public places, rest God help! Just think about saving a life by forwarding this message. Please, take a few seconds of your time to pass along.

With Regards, Arvind Khamitkar ,
I.A.S, Director of Medical & Research Div, Chennai.

Rather than forwarding irrelevant mails, kindly pass
this to every one.
Probably ur mail can help to save his/her life”

I am sure its familiar to all of us.... lets start from the beginning.. it talks about putting things in perspective... wow what a perspective this is... scary but undeniable.. pass me another load of bullcrap is more like it....

the mail talks about how we need to be more careful in public places from needles poking out of everywhere....and it is then signed by supposedly an IAS to give it that authentic touch...

goes on to plead that instead of sending irrelevant mails we all should forward this.. sigh.. if i ever saw an irrelevant and stupid mail it was this... i would rather send out 10 stupid, nonsensical, irritating mebe funny mails then send out bullcrap like this which goes on to strengthen ,my belief that we all pretend to be every cosmopolitan and intellectual and knowledgeable but in reality we are not...

we are just a bunch of people who dont care.... someone might turn around and say that why am i so agitated by this mail. but i am coz i believe that any kind of disease like cancer, AIDS, STD's are bad enough without incorrect information spreading even more confusion and paranoia... its easy to forward a mail like this and say that its not gonna do any harm and it just makes u careful.. hell yeah.. it makes u careful about all the wrong things.... AIDS is serious business.. it has so many social stigmas attached to it.... as the youth of this country the least we can do is not be misinformed about it.. specially when we all like to call ourselves sexually liberated etc etc... we should know what are the real threats.. how does it actually spread... sometimes we say that बूँद बूँद से सागर बनता है and then we say that one forward will never harm anyone... i just dont get it...

i really got peeved when i saw the email coz it came from someone who i have great respect for since that person is a very intelligent individual... and i thought how could someone like that do something like this.. in my mind its a grave error.. it doesn't have to be true for everyone... mebe i was too harsh on him when i told him the same thing too.. but i thought there was no other way to explain it then...

if educated people like you and me can be this oblivious then god help the rest of the country...
coz all our cosmopolitan-ness is just in cocktails and nowhere else... its all good till its just a forward...

Happy Birthday Mr.Sood!!!

2008-04-21T00:03:00.001+05:30

You’ve been a part of my life for over 2 years now... And i couldn't have asked for anyone better... as a friend (for that teeny tiny duration) u were my agony aunt/ encourager/ listener etc etc telling me to go ahead and tell that guy i had a crush on about how much i liked him (think about it.. had i done that and knowing his fondness for me too... u and i would never have been possible..)

The first time i wished u a happy birthday and asked u how u celebrated it u said "drinks with my dad" and i thought "huh!! thats it?".. which in my mind translated as you must be very serious types and all... what a hasty judgement that was... ur like a bottle of fine wine... better with age... hehehehehehe... thats the dramatic me...

its just that you know how to make people special and loved and that’s the reason everyone around you loves you so much too... you are the right balance of selfless and selfish and one of the few guys i know who when talks about freedom of choice and independence really means it and not just for himself... you will buy me a pack of chips when I ask u too and then tell me how i must concentrate on losing weight... that just makes you so endearing... you hate goodbyes more than I do but you still tell me to not drop you off at the station or wherever making it seem like I’m the one who needs to be taken care of (well that’s true but still…)

You are a special person because of all this and so much more.. I don’t think I will ever be able to fully tell you how much you mean to me or to everyone around you… your mom dad, sid, karan bhaiyya, your entire extended family, naveen, golu… everyone… but you have made life a bit better, days a bit brighter, nights a bit starrier, songs a bit more melodious, food a bit more tastier, flowers a bit more colorful, and me a lot more alive…. All of this by just being there... by being present… by turning 27... Which means that everyone around has had 27 wonderful years of which you have been a part and catalyst too…. As for me I’ve had 2 of those years but I think the 2 years certify me to write all this about you…. Looking forwards to lots more of these years with you around….

Happy Birthday Gaurav!!!!

chronicled...

2008-04-13T17:08:00.000+05:30

i think this blog is turning into the love chronicles of Tanzila Anis... but what the heck... i will write whatever i want to.... and since these few following lines are just fresh outta the oven and have already been given the approval nod by the recipient lemme just spill them out here...

"i unzip my bag and i catch a whiff of you
i take out my clothes and i can sense a touch of you
i wrap my arms around me and i feel a breath of you
i close my eyes before i swoon and i steal a look of you
how safely stored are you in my existence
it's like a rush that tingles every nerve
unnerves every passion and entangles every emotion
i am surely in love with you
or am i lost in you too...."

the weekend that was.....

2008-04-07T21:23:00.000+05:30

aah well... i am on a writing spree here.... but gaurav was here for the weekend and it was the first time that i did not cry when he left... knowing me its a damn big thing.... but that was because when he went back i knew that i would be seeing him again... it dint feel like it was the last time i was seeing him (like always)... the amount of love i could see in his eyes when looked at me was just so overwhelming i dint know what to say... when did i get so lucky to have a man love me so much.... fine he isnt perfect.. i mean he has his own faults.... his own idiosyncrasies.. but so do i... and he managed to make me feel like a really special person.... he always does but this time it was different.. i cant explain but i miss him more than ever... he misses me a lot too.. more than he has ever expressed before.....

we danced, we laughed, we teased each other, we fought, i cried, he said sorry, i told him he never has to say sorry to me.... blah blah blah.....oh i so love being in love with gaurav...

in all this i even wrote a couple of lines.. this was when i was a little sad about something on sunday.....

" a crumpled white sheet
bed covers thrown back
a strand of hair curled up on the pillow
air thick with long lost sighs and breathing
the untouched room holds the secrets of a thouand passions unfolding...

red rimmed eyes lost in a memory
the quiver of lips heavy with unspoken words
hands tied together in a nervous knot
skin perfumed with a time not long ago
the touched body unfolds the secrets of its occupants...

ah! the power of silence,symbols and passions
of lost breathings and unspoken words
of white sheets and perfumed skin
of secrets held and secrets lost
i've found the best storyteller in a place where there is none..."

the anticipation, the reality and its aftertaste....

2008-04-07T20:56:00.000+05:30

aah well.. i had planned on writing this long before the previous one but never got around to doing it.. i mean i so wanted to write about what happened at kandrori.... apart from me getting lotsa fresh air and a wonderful atmosphere i got to meet the most non-pretentious punjabi family i have ever seen or heard about.... :)

the folks were absolute angels.... i mean uncle and aunty spoke to me like they were meeting me for the umpteenth time and Nani hugged me when she met me... i was home...

it did not take me more than 5 minutes to get comfortable.. mebe shorter than that... after that it was smooth sailing.. i was talking, having fun, basking in the sun, sitting for the havan, chatting and all with everyone like i had known them forever... for the function i the evening. i helped aunty a little with watever she asked me too... me and 'g' did manage to grab some alone time amidst all the hustle bustle.... i had a fabulous time at the function too.. dancing loads and teaching Ina a few indian moves...

everyone of 'g's relatives were also so so so informal... shobha maasi announced that she couldnt pronounce my name and so she would call me bebo.... vikki mama had the straightest face while sayin the most outrageous things he would instigate someone to action to say something and then sit back and enjoy when the suggestion would be rejected or accepted... he has a real wicked sense of humor... even his taayiji was sweet and invited me to her place in shimla....

sid and karan bhaiyya are obviously really funny and made me feel really comfortable... specially sid.. he was the sweetest guy around by talkin to me and takin me around the house and showin me stuff since gaurav (am tired of writing 'g') was way too busy most of the time...not that i am compalining about gaurav.. he was amazingly nice to invite me in the first place...uncle and aunty actually hugged me when i was leaving and told me to come back whenever i want.... :)

i can write paras and paras about my experience there and about each person in turn... but i will probably sound like i am trying to impress them.. i will just say that i thank Gaurav, Karan bhaiyya and Ina for inviting me over and giving me a chance to know there family and feel a part of it too....

I Love You Gaurav.... as i said before.... I Was Home.....

melancholy thy name invokes darkness.....

2008-03-10T18:34:00.000+05:30

i dont know what to say at this point.. my mind is in a state of disarray... its like i can see stuff happening in front of me and i just cant do anything to reverse it or control it... primarily because its not happening to me and i dont think its my place to do or say anything...

but i just saw a love being crushed so brutally that it seemed like the white flowers decorating the place actually had color drained out of them to make the surroundings appear beautiful yet devoid of beauty....

the way my cousin has led her life till now should have told me about what was to come... but i still thought her love will mebe break the mould that she has put herself into... she chose to always forego the infinite possibilities that life had for her... what use is the brilliance of knowledge if you are stilled trapped in medival ramblings.. what use is the brilliance of love if it fails to light your life.. and for all this.. i hold her responsible.... she let it be this way.. i pity the man she was in love with.. she has broken him, his spirit and his trust in love..... and she too will suffer.. in a life devoid of any emotions save jealousy, hatred, broken dreams, questions and a lot of what if's...

i am going out of my mind because i have always thought of myself to be a champion for the cause of love... there never has been a greater religion or cause for me.... and to see that people who are fortunate to be in love can throw it away like this sounds so sad that i feel like this is happening to me... i refuse to be with anyone if i am not in love.. even at teh cost of renouncing all that i hold dear.. being without love and alone sounds better than loveless companionship to me anyday..... what i wrote in an SMS probably says it all about what i felt that day:

"my heart feels heavy. its like we are gathered here to celebrate sadness. the environment reeks of love lost, defeated emotions and a general sobberness that threatens to suck any hope around. i see before me a beginning of a life of regretted memories and moments of togetherness that will never be..."

OH MY LORD!!!!

2008-02-11T17:30:00.000+05:30

thats the overdramatic me.... but i am like this bundle of nerves right now... super duper excited and super duper scared as well... its like the butterflies in my stomach are on a dance learning spree and doing all kinda dances the likes of which ive never seen nor heard of.... i mean everyone ahs been tellin me that just be yourself, but dont drink like yourself(hic).... just be normal... but for the love of god will someone tell me how can i be normal when i am in a completely new place around people who i dont know(well 90% of them i dont)... i have never travelled alone like this before... what if i end up doing somethin absolutely stupid... what if i trip over my saree and make a fool of myself.. what if i look absolutely horrible.....

ok... first... the reason for all this is that i am going to 'g' s place in pathankot.... and stayin there for like 2 1/2 days for something tahts happening at his place... although am going there as his brother's girlfriend's friend (loooooooooooong link).... so its not like am going as 'g's girl but still.... it is the first time ill meet his parents and all his extendde family..... fuck!!!! the enormity of it scares me..... i mean i know they dont know taht we are goin out so its not like they will specifically sit in judgement of me but still...

see i am very conscious about a lotta things about myself..... the way i look being very primary.... to put it as it is... i am like this fat hippo types and dont look like the most beautiful person on earth in any case.....im also probably not very smart(as in intelligent..... well read.... yada yada yada) i have a major inferiority complex going on here man..... but its true.... the way i look is teh most major cause of concern for me..... ive tried losing weight but its like i just am not able to do it..... i dont know why..... mebe its a lack of enuff motivation...

i am scared of being alone.... very.... and i feel like if his parents dont approve... then... i shall be just that... alone.... i ahve tried very hard to overcome what i lack.... by building up on things that were in my control... i cant change the way i look so i changed the way i dressed... i became outspoken... rude... cynical in the process... buti knew thats teh only way i could be different.... i try to have a devila may care attitude but thetruth is i do care... i really really do.....about what people do, say. think about me... because i feel if they dont like me they wont stay around and i shall be lonely....

umm... well i think its too much of a revelation about my insecurities.. tahts the worry with just writing without a reason... u end up sayin all that, that youll probly never admit otherwise...

newaz am happy and excited too coz i shall meet 'g' and so many other people too and i get to be part of his family thingie..... :)

all the best to me!!!!!

INXS - Afterglow

2008-02-05T14:43:00.001+05:30

Here I am, lost in the light of the moon that comes through my window
Bathed in blue, the walls of my memory divide the thorns from the roses
It's you and the roses
Touch me and I will follow in your afterglow
Heal me from all this sorrow
As I let you go I will find my way when I see your eyes
Now I'm living in your afterglow
Here I am, lost in the ashes of time, but who wants tomorrow?
In between the longing to hold you again
I'm caught in your shadow, I'm losing control
My mind drifts away, we only have today
Touch me and I will follow in your afterglow
Heal me from all this sorrow
As I let you go I will find my way
I will sacrifice 'til the blinding day when I see your eyes
Now I'm living in your afterglow
When the faith has gone as I let you go, as I let you go
Touch me and I will follow in your afterglow
Heal me from all this sorrow
As I let you go I will find my way, I will sacrifice
Now I'm living in your afterglow
Bathed in blue, the walls of my memory divide the thorns from the roses
It's you who is closest

Colbie Caillat - Bubbly

2008-01-17T17:10:00.001+05:30

this is one of the most beautiful songs ive heard.. it makes me wanna be close... wanna cuddle.... wanna love...

I've been awake for a while now
You've got me feelin' like a child now
'Cause every time I see your bubbly face
I get the tingles in a silly place

And it starts in my toes
And I crinkle my nose
Wherever it goes
I always know
That you make me smile
Please stay for a while now
Just take your time
Wherever you go

The rain is falling on my window pane
But we are hiding in a safer place
Under covers staying dry and warm
[Another version of the song says: "Under covers staying safe and warm"]
You give me feelings that I adore

And it starts in my toes
Makes me crinkle my nose
Wherever it goes
I always know
That you make me smile
Please stay for a while now
Just take your time
Wherever you go

What am I gonna say
When you make me feel this way
I just mmmmm

And they start in my toes
Makes me crinkle my nose
Wherever it goes
I always know
That you make me smile
Please stay for a while now
Just take your time
Wherever you go

I've been asleep for a while now
You tuck me in just like a child now
'Cause every time you hold me in your arms
I'm comfortable enough to feel your warmth

And it starts in my soul
And I lose all control
When you kiss my nose
The feeling shows
'cause you make me smile baby
Just take your time now
Holdin' me tight

Wherever wherever wherever you go
Wherever wherever wherever you go

wherever you go
I always know
'Cause you make me smile
Even just for a while

untitled...

2007-12-17T14:26:00.000+05:30

i cross life's highways
barefoot, alone and sometimes lonely
enveloped in the mist of my thoughts
i want to see nothing but what is there
not a second before, none after

the breeze rakes its fingers through my hair
it carries the scent of things gone by
or maybe yet to come, i cant decipher

and suddenly the silence screams out at me
a thousand pieces of mirror surround me
i can but see only my reflection
tears tugging at the corner of my eyes
lips upturned in a rueful smile

dismissive, submissive, agressive
similar yet contradictory
wrong but so very right
right and yet the soul amiss

i feel that life has been unfair
or maybe i have been unfair to life

I'M NOT THERE - Trailer

2007-12-16T22:34:00.001+05:30

The Knack

2007-12-16T22:33:00.001+05:30

such a sexy sexy kick ass song!!!!! lovely

oh i wish.....

2007-11-27T22:15:00.000+05:30

Oh I wish I was a punk rocker with flowers in my hair
In 77 and 69 revolution was in the air
I was born too late into a world that doesn't care
Oh I wish I was a punk rocker with flowers in my hair

When the head of state didn't play guitar,
Not everybody drove a car,
When music really mattered and when radio was king,
When accountants didn't have control
And the media couldn't buy your soul
And computers were still scary and we didn't know everything

When pop-stars still remained a myth
And ignorance could still be bliss
And when God Saved the Queen she turned a whiter shade of pale
When my mom and dad were in their teens
And anarchy was still a dream
And the only way to stay in touch was a letter in the mail

When record shops were still on top
And vinyl was all that they stocked
And the super info highway was still drifting out in space
Kids were wearing hand me downs,
And playing games meant kick around
And footballers still had long hair and dirt across their face

Its ironic....

2007-11-25T14:15:00.000+05:30

it really is..... u think that "that connect" is established just once... and then it hits u like a tonne of bricks and all u can do is stare at life unfolding before you..... i recently told a friend :) that u never know where u will find happiness... it can be in the most unlikely places and in the most unexpected ways too..... unusually nice..... like happiness for me is strolls in the cold..... dancing in the rain..... conversations that turn sweet and sour every alternate moment.....ufffff life's many joys..... sometimes i feel theres just so much i still don't know... so much i still want to experience... and these joys these moments will come not when u want them to but when its time for them..... and that might not be the right time for them but it will be time for them still.... like second marriages.... clandestine affairs.... free association writing.... theres never a right time for them and yet there is time.....

you will remember these times like cherubic lil babies running on there toes all around you.... filling your life with laughter and a sunshine filled soul..... suddenly music you've never paid attention to before will start making sense..... things that people have done before will find justifications no matter how unjustified they are.... movies will start making appearances in your life with there tiny vignettes coloring that story of yours.....

Good Will Hunting....

2007-11-14T19:27:00.000+05:30

Verbatim..... haven't seen the movie....yet... these seem to make sense.....

About idiosyncrasies

Will: [about Skylar] Don't worry about me, I know what I'm doin'. Yeah, but this girl is like, you know, beautiful. She's smart. She's funny. She's different from most of the girls I've been with.

Sean: So, call her up, Romeo.

Will: Why? So I can realize she's not that smart, that she's fuckin' boring? Y'know? I mean...this girl is like fuckin' perfect right now, I don't wanna ruin that.

Sean: Maybe you're perfect right now. Maybe you don't wanna ruin that. I think that's a super philosophy, Will, that way you can go through your entire life without ever having to really know anybody...My wife used to fart when she was nervous. She had all sorts of wonderful idiosyncrasies. You know what? She used to fart in her sleep. [they laugh] Sorry I shared that with you. One night it was so loud it woke the dog up. She woke up and gone like "oh was that you?" I'd say yeah...I didn't have the heart to tell her...Oh God...

Will: She woke herself up?

Sean: Yes!.... Oh Christ....aahhh, but, Will, she's been dead two years and that's the shit I remember. Wonderful stuff, you know, little things like that. Ah, but, those are the things I miss the most. The little idiosyncrasies that only I knew about. That's what made her my wife. Oh and she had the goods on me, too, she knew all my little peccadillos. People call these things imperfections, but they're not, aw that's the good stuff. And then we get to choose who we let into our weird little worlds. You're not perfect, sport. And let me save you the suspense. This girl you met, she isn't perfect either. But the question is: whether or not you're perfect for each other. That's the whole deal. That's what intimacy is all about. Now you can know everything in the world, sport, but the only way you're findin' out that one is by givin' it a shot. You certainly won't learn from an old fucker like me. Even if I did know, I wouldn't tell a pissant like you.

:) its ok if you dont know the exact dialogues... i just googled them.....

the search for a song.....

2007-11-12T22:15:00.000+05:30

my extremely inhuman boss Prashant (hehehehehehe.....just wanted to make you sound that way.....) made me search and search for the song that is his caller tune. he just wouldnt tell me.... i mean why would you do dat when you know what is it and pretend like you dont. all i knew about the song was that i had heard it on one of the promos for MTV for there "ubharta sitara" thingie... and the words went something like "we are young.. we love green..." and he just kept feigning ignorance..... but my persistence paid off.... i finally found the song after some amount of hardwork (read googling)... it was the song alright by supergrass.... honestly i never knew a band like that existed (now dont go calling me musically challenged) i just dont care too much about remembering or following any particular genre or artiste i just download, listen, sing watever catches my fancy at that point.... this particular song is just one of those only.

its a very funny uplifting fresh kinda song.. do listen to it from the link below.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o_e4PxtQ-Fw

all well i say.....

2007-11-12T18:00:00.000+05:30

i hated my previous job!!!! hated it like ive hated nothin else in my life(yeah... well.. i am prone to exagerration...) and to think that i worked there for like 20 days and hated it from the first day... ughhh!!! i hate making wrong decisions and trust me i have many to my credit.... wrong decisions not bad jobs...

it was then that i realised that the keeda of advertising and staying late in office has bitten me like a werewolve on a full moon nite.... so its incurable... i just had to get back to the insanity to find my sanity again... and guess what??? i did!!! and am happy for now.... my parents went bonkers thinkin that i was ruining my life.. first by not joining "times of india" and then leaving my stupid PR job in 20 days!!!! egad they said who left jobs in 20 days... i am making the biggest mistake of my life.. i am unstable, loony, fullon mad..... etc etc....

well..... mebe i am... but atleast i know thats what i want... for now.....

i would just like to put in the oft repeated qoute of my life here to explain my state of mind....

"Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with yourlife…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what theywanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 yearolds I know still don’t."

- Baz Luhermann (Sunscreen)

Introducing Myself.....

2007-10-19T15:01:00.000+05:30

but is it really necessary... naah.. so i wont go into any long boring bio kinda thing here since honestly who has the time!!!!!!

but some stuff about me which is unnecessary but since i need to fill in space here on the blog i will mention them:

i hate writing anything in caps not even when i say 'i'
i hate any kind of punctuation
i like talking to myself
i love walking alone
i loooooooove rain
i am thought of as mad sometimes (well, mostly actually)
i love music in general (no please dont ask me what kinds coz i never have an answer to that)
i love being in love
i am currently tryin very hard to lose weight
i can dance even when theres no music.. anyplace... anytime
yada yada yada